We haven't really spoken in almost 6 years and today was her wedding day. We stopped speaking in the middle of my pregnancy for reasons that are still somewhat unclear to me. I know part of it was that she believed she had to choose between me and her now husband. Somehow I made her feel that she had to make that decision and I don't know, maybe I did. It was awkward and him and I had very different personalities. I didn't know what to say to him more often than not and maybe he felt the same way. As it often happens if life, I was more concerned with myself and what was happening in my life. I felt like she was avoiding me so I stopped calling and intentionally missed her birthday. I was trying to hurt her. I felt hurt and abandoned but I acted like a child instead of being honest. When I eventually apologized it was more rambling than anything and I'm more than certain that it came of as insincere. There is a thing as too late.
For years I've had random dreams about her. Sometimes I'm apologizing to her and sometimes she is apologizing to me. Either way I wake up feeling hurt and sometimes angry. It makes it difficult to heal wounds when you still have friends who are still intimately involved with the person, but I tried my best. When I heard that she was getting married I cried a lot! I didn't expect to but I did. It was even more difficult when I heard that my best friend had been asked to be one of her bridesmaids. I immediately called my mother and cried like a little girl. So I did what everyone does these days and Googled it. I know I know but I had to see if anyone understood what I was feeling. Needless to say it was slim pickings and most of these broads were asking if the should attend the wedding uninvited! The thought had never even crossed my mind and I had no intention of ruining her day. I just wanted to know how to move forward and find peace. Google did not give me those answers. Time did not give me what I wanted because I lost a lifelong friend. Not a cheap fling or casual friend but a deep relationship, or at least that's how it felt to me.
I had someone who understood me when it seemed like no one else did. I was odd and quirky and she somehow mitigated that part of me. She harassed me endlessly about not looking people in the eyes when I spoke until I learned how, which is now my own pet peeve. We were terrible cooks together and ate half baked cookies but apart we baked just fine. She always had a confidence that I envied and was a far better piano player than me, but even with her confidence she had terrible stage fright. I loved the stage and had mediocre skills. She was intuitive and called me on my bullshit. She was a sister to me and could say and get away with things no one else could. But here I am on her wedding day, sitting here talking to all of you about what I've missed. She was my maid of honor and gave a funny, not so sentimental toast. That's the kind of person I am so it's weird that I would be the sentimental one now. But here is what I would say to her on this day.
Thank you. Thank you for being apart of my life even if it wasn't as long as I would have hoped. Thank you for introducing me to my husband, the love of my life. There is no greater gift you could have given me. You knew just what I needed, like always. He was everything I needed and could have hoped for, and you always knew when the other guys were total shit! I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you or what you needed but I'm so glad you found what you needed. You were always very strong and I know you'll get everything out of life that you've wanted. I wish I had spent more time getting to know the man you've married but if he has you sense of humor, adventurous spirit, and intellect, then the two of you will do great. I hope this day is everything you wanted it be and that the years that follow are the best of you life.