They're Sagging and Lopsided. What Else is New?

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I just love how every woman on the planet seems to be OK with lopsided, sagging, deflated tits. I'm calling bullshit. Your either lying, have had 20+ years to come to terms with it, or don't actually have a serious asymmetrical problem. I thought I understood what it meant to be lopsided and sagging at the age 17. Lefty-loosey over here was a little bigger than righty-tighty when Oprah showcased that detrimental idea of what classified a sagging breast. All the test required was placing a pencil under your tit and seeing if you could hold it. Can you? Well congratulations! According to whatever prepubescent man-child that thought up that idea, because only a man would want to know how many school supplies his body could hold, you need a breast lift. So at 17 I was convinced that I needed a breast lift because lefty-loosey could hold a No.2 pencil. Little did I know those perfect C-cups were just that, perfect. 

Just 3 months into my pregnancy I had to say goodbye to those perfect C-cups, and just like the heart warming story of the Grinch, my chest also grew 3 sizes that day! The Grinch seemed pretty psyched about his enlargement, but that's a man for ya, and as you can imagine my husband was also pretty psyched that day. But let me tell you, it hurt like a mofo. I have never felt pain like that in my life and I didn't slip into an underwire for 2+ years. At the time my husband must have been wearing his boob goggles because all he could see were bigger breasts. You would have thought I paid to have this done! But the unfortunate truth is that the larger a woman gets naturally, and that quickly, its usually accompanied by stretch marks, sagging, drooping, and variations you never dreamed of. I mean who knew you nipples could just up and change sizes on you? Or that your areolas could go from nickle size to half dollars! Never mind that your other tit stayed the same, these bad boys hardly ever grow at the same rate. I suppose someone out there has said that your breasts should look like sisters, not twins. Well then my right tit is the sister who everyone believes was adopted and beat with the ugly stick. Instead of sisters they're more like Statler and Waldorf, the pair of old men who are critics from the Muppet Show! You know they belong together but they look nothing alike! 

I tried Oprah's little pencil trick the other day and now its the right breast that's the victor. I'm practically a trapper keeper at 4-5 pencils, and I'm sure if I really tried I could throw in a folder and a protractor. My husband still won't admit there is a difference, perhaps for his own safety and well being. Men just don't get it mostly because they don't face a similar issue and trust me I've tried explaining: 

Me: "What if you woke up one morning and your left ear was 2x the size of your right ear?"
DH: "I dunno that might be pretty cool."
Me: "Oh please you are so full of it."
DH: "Think about it, that's what I could be known for. The guy with the big ear."
Me: "Smart ass."

Of course my grandmother was quick to point out that I can hide my problem, an ear is a little different. And if you're wondering, yes men respond the same way if you use their balls as an analogy. They just don't care and view it more as an opportunity to get into Ripley's Believe it or Not!

So what's a girl to do? According to this lovely little article I found today at dirtytruthreviews my last option before getting surgery is to "massage the smaller breast only to increase its breast size." That's just a little ridiculous to me. Why would I want my smaller perkier tit to match the larger deflated one? If I want them to match I'll just take a rolling pin to my left tit and call it a day! More disheartening is the idea that I will just have to get use to having a semi-decent DD-cup on one side and a deflated, stretch mark scared DDD-cup on the other side. 5 years in and I'm still not happy, and if it took me 10 years to be happy with my perky C-cups. I can only imagine how long it will take to get use to Statler and Waldorf! But you won't see me in surgery anytime soon. At 5K or more, I'll be putting my money towards my education, cause with tits like these you've gotta have brains!


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