Why I Stopped Withholding Sex in My Marriage
For a few weeks now my husband and I have been fighting on and off, sex was obviously off the table. Don't get me wrong it crossed my mind but this was no time for a celebration. So the other night when he suggested sex I thought he'd lost his mind. How ludicrous? How presumptuous of him to believe that I had forgiven him yet. "If I have sex with you you'll think everything is back to normal and nothing will change." I said. "No I promise it will, I'm trying and I haven't forgotten." he said. So I did something crazy... I gave in...TWICE! I know, I know, crazy me having sex with the man I married, but this is why I did and its shocking even me.
Before I said yes he went to freshen up, cocky little thing isn't he? ha ha, and I actually Googled "Should you sleep with your husband if your fighting". I was so worried I would send the wrong message and lose my ground but then I ran across this blog The Forgiven Wife and she really spelled it out for me. Granted, sexual refusal has been a two way street in this house, but I felt awful about what I was doing. So I gave in without having to be badgered and boy was I conflicted. Don't get me wrong the sex was mind blowing, but I felt like I was saying "You Win." Then I thought long and hard about something: Why would my husband believe he was forgiven or that he won an argument by me giving him sex? I paused to think and then BAM! My husband thinks that way because I put in place the system that reinforces those values. When things are going well I "reward" him and when they aren't I "punish"him.
Its an odd thing for women to do. We march through the streets admonishing men for treating us like pieces of meat but treat our own bodies like "treats" to be doled out and taken away when it suits us. When they behave badly we treat them like children who have broken the rules, so we take the toy and place it on a high shelf. Or worse we treat them like dogs who need training and swat them with newspapers for bad behavior and then give them rewards to reinforce the good behavior. Then we wonder why men are so angry about sex deprivation. I'm not saying it can't be the other way around, look around on my blog and you'll see I went through months of it myself. Which begs the question as to why I would do it knowing how it feels.
To be honest I set the tone and relied on what I had been taught by women around me, society, etc. I couldn't have imagined that you could have sex without losing control and its a feeling I'll have to continue to fight until this becomes the new norm. Its a hard mentality to break and I can imagine that my husband will also have to come around to the idea of sex when things are off kilter between us. Although I can't imagine it will take him very long. The sad part is is that I was punishing myself as well. I, like many women, can forget how amazing sex is. I get busy with research, the little one, or I get in the mindset that its just too much work. Though I have to confess that my husband already knows a few chic flicks that will get him action and he still refuses to watch them, ha ha.
Like everyone else I'll have to take it one day at a time and ask myself the next time I want to withhold sex, why that is? If its simply to prove a point or assert control then its simply not something I want to be doing anymore.