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I was raised, I assume like many mid-western gals, in a home where I learned sex was a chore and my father's advances were usually pushed away. My mother was, and is, like a lot of women who felt bogged down by the responsibility of household duties and probably felt she lacked appreciation. Never the less I learned sex in marriage would be a chore and a duty demanding of a wife. In another extreme my paternal grandmother had stopped sleeping with my grandfather in their late 50's early sixties. My darling grandmother had no issue passing on to me her hatred of sex and, I suppose, her general disgust of men. Yet somehow I managed to have an entirely different view of sex and men mainly because I saw my father and his father for what they were: human beings who yes could be complete asses sometimes in regards to their wives but more often than not were merely ignorant of what was expected of them or how to communicate. I also saw how bad it hurt them to be put aside and disregarded and yet they never stepped out on their wives. I'm not about to herald them as saints as they had their misgivings but I understood their anguish on a level most children and grandchildren are never allowed to understand them on.
So for that reason I felt the need to break the cycle and have a very different marriage and for the most part I think I have on a very critical level...communication. I'm more than happy to tell my husband in and out of the bedroom what works/doesn't work for me. I can be honest with him in a way that has helped us work through certain parts of our relationship instead of shoving it down waiting for it to be resolved. Yet I find myself at that age old conversation of our sex life and how healthy it really is. So I embarked on a little challenge for myself. If women the world over could have sex for 30 days in a row then surely I could take on the mild sex of 1 week. I don't know that I even had a number in my head and more or less thought how long can I make this go on for. Initially it started out more spontaneously and like the old days and in the first few days or so we had almost been caught by our, should have been napping, 4 year old which had never happened before. For me this was a good sign demonstrating we were getting out of a rut and our sex life not controlled by a 4 year old. However, as the week wore on I found myself getting more frustrated and just wanting to give him his and call it good.
So here I sit on day 10 evaluating those 9 days and wondering if I had realistic expectations. I don't plan on quitting if I miss a day, that's a very girly diet thing to do lol, and continue on from here. However, the biggest thing I noticed is that out of those 9 days I initiated 9 times. I would be devastated if I thought I was the only one but I have many gal friends that say its that way for them too. So many times your here guys complain that they've been shot down too many times so why bother? I think that a very lame excuse and more often than not its not as true as they think it is. For many in their mind they consider the times they think they'll get turned down as the same thing. I can't even count how many times I was ready to go but was hoping for an advance from my husband and never got one. I think at some point guys wimp out. Granted that is not true of all guys but just as we have bought into the lie that sex is a chore, men have bought into the lie that women don't like sex. There are lies on both sides of the fence that we've all bought because our parents told us it was true, and we thought it was true because we watched them buy their own lies. Just like women can get into the rut of thinking other things are more important than sex men too can get into a rut and forget to make advances.
Which begs the question what is to be done? I would say just putting it all out there is enough but my husband has forgotten how to initiate all together. By day 8 and 9 I felt a little bitter because I knew he wanted me but it would have been nice for him to initiate. I'm not sure how a person is suppose to feel wanted if someone isn't chasing after them. However, I must say I learned over time that my self worth and ability to feel sexy is totally dependent on me. I took matters into my own hands and I dress up for me, I get sexy undergarments because they make me feel sexy not because he's gonna see them. I think that is very important regardless of how devoted your husband is to making you feel that way.
So what's your take on it? Do you initiate most of the time or does your husband? Or maybe its 50/50. Whatever it is just remember your sexy because your you and no amount of attention or lack there of is gonna change that.
After seeing how many were flocking to this particular post I decided to add a few tips after searching around other sex advice blogs.
- One suggested opening yourself up to other men....I find this repugnant to be honest as I find this to be helpful in no way to foster a healthy relationship with your spouse. This seems to be in hope that you will spur jealousy in your husband which is not only wrong but childish. I mention this because I would hate for someone to run across this and think its the right way to handle this problem. Its not.
- Initiate the sex yourself be mindful if your not in to it he will know and that is unlikely to make him feel sexy and may hinder him from initiating. Men know when your having pity sex or do something around my house sex.
- Get yourself in the mood I think this goes hand in hand with initiating because sometimes we need some work, or better yet inspiration, and so you have to be willing to know and understand your own body. If your focused on what happened that day or what you look like it can hinder the experience. Remember this isn't just about getting him back in the sack you need to enjoy it too!
- Change it up this goes for wardrobe/moves. If you bum it during the day at home with the kids then maybe find a little time to put on a special outfit or something that will make you feel sexy. Don't hinge all your hopes on him picking up the signals because you could set yourself up for a big disappointment and end up feeling resentful. Do it for you and share how sexy your feeling.
- No is very powerful if you do talk it out with your spouse and he makes an advance that first one is very important. He may not understand that you have your handful or are having a grungy I'm not so sexy day. Guys don't always pick up on the signals and sometimes its the most in opportune moment. Sex might be just what you needed.
- Its 50/50 No matter what anyone tells you it takes 2 to tango and 2 to let it go to the wayside. At some point those numbers may change and you may have done everything you know to do. However, for most of us its a blame game and we'd like to assume we are absolved of any wrong doing. Keep that in mind when you talk to your partner about it and be ready to receive their opinions and concerns.
- Take care of yourself If your constantly turning down your spouse because you don't feel well then maybe its time your start taking care of yourself. Women enjoy being martyrs. There I said it. Many time we put everyone before ourselves thinking we've done the right thing and we'll take care of ourselves when the kids leave the house or we retire and so on. When you get run down you will not feel like having sex. Take a day. Have days where your spouse gets a day to rejuvenate and same goes for you. Or start a nightly skin care routine with a little luxury. Just something no matter how small, just take a step toward a more healthy restful you.