The Undateable Wife: The importance of dating your wife.
I battled with the idea of whether or not to write this piece wondering if it was out anger or a genuine need to educate husbands and stay-at-home mothers. I think a lot of time we wish to express to our husbands how a particular incident makes us feel but end up going down the rabbit hole getting lost along the way. Unfortunately some of us, this includes men but lets face it ladies its our trademark fighting skill, dredge up past fights which prevent us from making progress in our relationships. So i'm going to try my best to explain how it feels to go from a young attractive desirable, I might be stretching it a little ;), woman to a stay at home mom who is undateable.
I think in every relationship the man tries to put his best foot forward and impress the lady he has in his cross-hairs. Then as soon as he has her he lets this slide a little. Perhaps its something he himself does not notice and has been simple taught this is the way you obtain a girl. Besides men have been doing this for years and grown up watching this example. Our society teaches us that romance wanes in a marriage and that after a honeymoon period we will not longer make other people sick with our affection. Those men, notice i'm not including all of them, out there that believe sex is the only intimacy a woman needs for the rest of their marriage have a huge wake up call coming. I am by no means a romantic. I do not like getting flowers, perfume, jewelry, or chocolate. I hate big showy displays of affection and they embarrass me. I believe my husband has a very easy job in that way. So I am not trying to goad men into buying things for women or to tell them how to buy their way out of trouble. I think a sincere effort needs to be put into making your wife feel loved, appreciated, and sexy. Men assume if the tell a woman she is sexy that she should just take their word but its hard for a woman to take such a compliment when the only way he's willing to prove that to her is through sex.
Prior to becoming a mom my husband and I went out on a regular basis. I was perfectly fine with not receiving showy gifts and grand displays of ooey gooey love. I had time to get ready every night before we went out and felt sexy enough to wear things I'd never put on now. Sure there were times when I didn't feel like getting out but those occasion pale in comparison to my current social calender. So I suppose that leads us to what prompted this little rant in the first place. You see my husband went out for a birthday party for a co-worker and I'm here blogging while being the perpetual baby sitter. I'm not pissed like you'd assume I'm just hurt and feeling extremely unattractive at this point. Even as I write this, as hard as it is to admit, I fight back tears because of how crappy it feels. You see it never even asked if I wanted to go. We've fallen into that rut that spouses do when they have kids. He gets a social life and I get a mommy social life. There is a big difference. Men assume we are fulfilled because we have mommy groups or play dates but time with our spouses is very important. Men can end up feeling like the kids come first, and every woman does this for different reasons, but who else will come first when we feel like no one else wants us?
You see its hard to feel like that sexy attractive young woman you once were that everyone wanted to date but now your own husband won't. It can make us feel so unwanted. I realize from your point of view it doesn't appear that way but its almost like being thrust back into high school when you couldn't get a guy to notice you for anything until you got breasts. We've been demoted to nanny status. We take care of the kids and make sure the house is tidy. Now this may seem like an extreme but i'm gonna say it anyways: When you don't take the time to date us but expect sex you make us feel like a cheep whore. I know extreme but the only thing we're lacking is the cash at the end. Without the dating we're just a nanny and a hooker all rolled into one. That's ridiculous and demeaning! If you married her I'm assuming its because you love her and wanted to spend the rest of your life with her not make her feel cheap and used. Its your job as a man to stand out from all those other guys she's encountered who just wined and dined her until the nabbed her. You have her for life and she agreed to it!
Now don't go assuming that this is the first time this has happened to me and I just fall apart. I assure you I'm a mentally sound woman with plenty of interests. I think what I want to get across to me is that you have to make an effort to pull her out of her domestication. We get stuck in the day to day things and need you to help us remember what its like to be fun and sexy. So you can't go blaming your wife when she says no and call it good. If our house is a mess and there is a lot of work to be done it weighs on us and its hard to go out and have a good time. Men can just leave it all like it is and forget about it but the last thing we want to do is come home from and amazing night and have to start cleaning the house. Or worse yet have you try to seduce us on a pile of dirty laundry, aka the bed or floor depending on how you like to get down. Ladies, don't think I forgot about you. We tend to forget to just chill out about things and we talk about wanting our husbands to assert themselves in this manner but when they do we shoot them down. So we have to reward their good efforts or stop complaining about them not trying because after so many times they will give up.
I know its a lot but I had to say it because so many times after the incident we forget what that feels like or we try to hide it from our husbands because it makes us vulnerable, which it does. Unfortunately that the only way to grow is to let yourself be vulnerable. Screaming it at them isn't the answer because they just tune out, and rightly so. I'm trying my best to learn to not lash out and I've actually known all day that this is what was going to happen tonight and I chose to keep my mouth shut all day. I couldn't talk about it without being angry so I had to wait until I got to a point where I could properly express myself without badgering him into it. I don't want him to date me because I made him. Who would? I want to express myself in a way that he understand where I am coming from and wants to make me feel sexy and loved and is not just doing it so i'll get off his back.
Good luck everyone.