I became pregnant about a month after my husband and
I were married back in 2009. I did not
find out until I was about two months pregnant and had actually gone to the
doctor because I was actually having hot flashes and other symptoms that made
me think something was wrong with my health. At first I was happy, a little
anxious, but no more than any new mother. I was twenty three at the time and
was the same age my mother was when she gave birth to me so I didn't feel I was
too young. I had always wanted to have a child, even though we had a five year
plan, and thought we could handle the challenge.
Into the end of the third month is when things
starting going very wrong for me emotionally. I didn't think this was normal
and never heard of a woman having issues beyond your typical crying and things
of that nature. And don’t get me wrong I could be that way too! I remember
watching The Fountain with Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz and I kid you not I
cried for four hours straight after watching that film! I can laugh about it
now but at the time, as far as I was concerned, that was the saddest movie I
had ever seen in my life. Anyways, I started having these terrible dreams about
people telling me I had hurt the baby or actually seeing myself do things to
the baby. I cried a lot over these dreams and hated telling my husband but felt
he should know. I knew a lot about postpartum depression but had never heard of
a woman exhibiting these types of symptoms before giving birth. So I continued
like this for my entire pregnancy with events occurring that made me feel like
it was never going to end.
During my seventh month of pregnancy I found out
that I had been suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning and luckily it did not
hurt the baby but had made me feel really crappy for quite some time. Around
the same time I had managed to isolate myself from a lot of my friends and
really distanced myself. I didn't really think I was doing it at the time but
slowly it happened and I lost a lot of people along the way. I felt like I was
being abandoned because I was pregnant which made it harder for me to recognize
what was happening. I did not realize at the time that this is a symptom and
this is not just normal pregnancy behavior This is part of depression and
anxiety that can occur during your pregnancy. In the eighth month of my
pregnancy my grandfather passed away which was very difficult because I had
been kept away from him for the length of my pregnancy because he was in a
nursing home and no one wanted me to get sick. I had a lot of regret over that
while at the same time trying to keep myself calm so as not to upset the baby. I had also been going to the doctor once to
twice a week for monitoring because I am a heart patient and we needed to make
sure the baby was not affected by my condition.
A few days before her predicted due date I went in
for another one of these sessions and she was not practice breathing so they
induced me. I was not anxious or anything and so we went ahead with the procedure
and thirty three and half hours later she was here. For a few days I thought I was out of the woods
and then when were home it was terrible. I cried so much because I felt like I
had lost a child; I was later told this happens because of the drop in hormones
that gives you this feeling. I was so depressed and cried a lot and had a lot
of anger as well. Eventually that anger and resentment was directed towards my
daughter even though I never touched her wrongly for me the thoughts were bad
enough and I told me doctor and admitted myself to a psych unit where I stayed
for three days. My daughter was only two weeks at the time and I was terrible
conflicted with my feelings of rage and remorse as well as missing her while
being in the hospital. I had very good doctors and was given medication as well
as counseling. I wasn't home very long when
I noticed my daughter did not look well to me, you know how that is, and we had
to take her to the ER. Come to find out she had a UTI which she had contracted
at birth and we spent almost two weeks in the hospital with her while she
received medication through an IV. Needless to say I was very stressed and a
new problem started to arise, I was compulsively cutting all of my hair
off. My hair was only about an inch or
two long and I continued this way for quite some time and got a lot of ridicule
for the strange behavior. I did some
reading online and found out that it was a real condition that was sometimes
triggered by the birth of a child and this could occur with any child
regardless of how many you had previously had. This gave me a better idea of
what I was dealing with and I made a better attempt to control that type of
behavior. Because of these issues I did
not return to work as I had worked up until the birth of my daughter but could
no longer deal with people or maintain relationships of any kind.
My daughter is two and half years old now and it
took me a long time to connect with her and it didn't help that I felt people
were expecting me to act a certain way with her either. I felt that a lot of
people were watching me and judging me. I still feel an enormous amount of
guilt over the whole issue and wonder sometimes what she will think of me later
in life but I know realistically that is not going to be an issue. I still have
trouble getting into photos with her because looking at myself is hard because
I see what I was and not what I am. I even struggled as to whether or not I
should share my story with others. I’m not embarrassed about it and I feel
there are a lot of people that still don’t get it and there are still a lot of
people who do not forgive me for being so closed off and distant. I still feel pretty isolated after all this
time but I’m just happy I am a productive mom, student, and self-employed
genealogist which are things that seemed impossible back then. My husband asked me once why I didn't think
this was normal since so many women had this issue and for me, and I think a
lot of other women can attest to this, is that when it’s happening to you it
only feels like you. When it happens to you it doesn't really seem to matter
how many other women had what you had just that it happened to you.
Unfortunately because of my experience I no longer
want any more children. I love my daughter and she is so funny and cute and mischievous
but I do it to protect her and me. I don’t feel I could bear that kind of pain
again. The best way I could ever describe it is that it feels like when you
give birth that you've given them your soul and you can’t get it back. The only
thing that convinced me that wasn't true was that my daughter was too good and
amazing to have my soul, and that’s exactly how I felt. I prayed a lot and I
finally feel a sense of peace but at the same time I feel like I have PTSD or
something because it never really leaves me, I can still remember those
emotions and how wrong it all felt. I have a few amazing friends that have
really stood by me and this is the worst test we ever went through and I’d
never ask it of them again, but held in there, not all of them but the best of
them. My family was amazing and took
care of my daughter when I couldn't and the most important thing through all of
it was that she was happy and healthy and surrounded by people who loved her
and cared for her. I always made sure
she was in good hands no matter how much I wanted those to mine.
The reason why I shared this is because the most important
thing I can tell you is to be informed and make the right decision for yourself
and your child no matter how embarrassing it is. Inform your husband or partner
about the symptoms so that you both know what to look for. Get lots of rest and
treat yourself to time with your girls. You don’t have to give up your life
when have a child and you can still maintain those relationships and if they
are good friends they will understand the time that it takes to be a mom and
learn about what you are going through. The following links are helpful for anyone who wants to learn more.
Elizabeth, you are amazing, just like your daughter. We are so proud of you, you are a wonderful mother.
ReplyDeleteYou are loving and funny and so intelligent.
I'm sure that in sharing your feelings, you will help some young mother get through those tough feelings.
God Bless You
We Love You
Grandma & Grandpa