Why I Stopped Withholding Sex in My Marriage

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For a few weeks now my husband and I have been fighting on and off, sex was obviously off the table. Don't get me wrong it crossed my mind but this was no time for a celebration. So the other night when he suggested sex I thought he'd lost his mind. How ludicrous? How presumptuous of him to believe that I had forgiven him yet. "If I have sex with you you'll think everything is back to normal and nothing will change." I said. "No I promise it will, I'm trying and I haven't forgotten." he said. So I did something crazy... I gave in...TWICE! I know, I know, crazy me having sex with the man I married, but this is why I did and its shocking even me.

Before I said yes he went to freshen up, cocky little thing isn't he? ha ha, and I actually Googled "Should you sleep with your husband if your fighting". I was so worried I would send the wrong message and lose my ground but then I ran across this blog The Forgiven Wife and she really spelled it out for me. Granted, sexual refusal has been a two way street in this house, but I felt awful about what I was doing. So I gave in without having to be badgered and boy was I conflicted. Don't get me wrong the sex was mind blowing, but I felt like I was saying "You Win." Then I thought long and hard about something: Why would my husband believe he was forgiven or that he won an argument by me giving him sex? I paused to think and then BAM! My husband thinks that way because I put in place the system that reinforces those values. When things are going well I "reward" him and when they aren't I "punish"him.

Its an odd thing for women to do. We march through the streets admonishing men for treating us like pieces of meat but treat our own bodies like "treats" to be doled out and taken away when it suits us. When they behave badly we treat them like children who have broken the rules, so we take the toy and place it on a high shelf. Or worse we treat them like dogs who need training and swat them with newspapers for bad behavior and then give them rewards to reinforce the good behavior. Then we wonder why men are so angry about sex deprivation. I'm not saying it can't be the other way around, look around on my blog and you'll see I went through months of it myself. Which begs the question as to why I would do it knowing how it feels.

To be honest I set the tone and relied on what I had been taught by women around me, society, etc. I couldn't have imagined that you could have sex without losing control and its a feeling I'll have to continue to fight until this becomes the new norm. Its a hard mentality to break and I can imagine that my husband will also have to come around to the idea of sex when things are off kilter between us. Although I can't imagine it will take him very long. The sad part is is that I was punishing myself as well. I, like many women, can forget how amazing sex is. I get busy with research, the little one, or I get in the mindset that its just too much work. Though I have to confess that my husband already knows a few chic flicks that will get him action and he still refuses to watch them, ha ha.

Like everyone else I'll have to take it one day at a time and ask myself the next time I want to withhold sex, why that is? If its simply to prove a point or assert control then its simply not something I want to be doing anymore.

Arm Hair Removal for Women


I have had a decent amount of dark arm hair since I was in junior high. I was extremely self conscious about it and wore a jacket through most of the spring, sometimes into the summer months. I was picked on by many of the upperclassmen but I was too scared to remove the hair worried it would come back darker and thicker. When I got older I decided to bleach it, but only for special occasions, like my wedding. I got use to my arm hair and it doesn't bother me. So why get rid of it? Long story short I saw gold and silver Flash tattoos on people who attended Coachella and wanted to wear some. I immediately realized that would look really weird with all that hair. So I decided to give it a try. Here is a look at my experience as well as what I learned in researching arm hair removal before I gave it go. 

Why Do You Have Arm Hair? Is it Important?

I've heard a lot of people say that body hair is the result of evolution and the need for body heat, and although that may be true it tends to be quickly disregarded as we have mastered the art of clothing and central heating. The more important reason you have body hair, especially on your arms and legs, is to warn you. It lets you know before your skin knows, that something is getting close to you. It helps you to keep from getting burned along with other other very preventable injuries. You take away the hair you take away that detection system. So before you go removing the hair you'll want to take a serious look at what your daily activities look like. If your working around hot objects, ovens, etc. your hair is probably best left where it is. 

If I Don't Remove it What Are My Options?

Bleaching will help disguise the hair very well. As I mentioned before I did this for my wedding and you could not tell in any of my photos that I had hair. Some have recommended trimming the hair to make it less noticeable but I did not find that helpful and it just make my arm a bit prickly.  

Waxing or Shaving?

I thought about shaving since it is by fair the easiest, although you have to do it more often. I decided I would wax first so I could tell you guys about it, let you know how long it takes to grow back, and how it feels when it grows back. Then once it grows back I will shave it for a comparison. I decided to try waxing first and used Nads Body Wax Strips which are less than $7 at Walmart. I did everything they tell you not to:

1. I had a margarita in my system (they say alcohol is a no no as it can
make you bleed more but I've never known anyone who drew 
2. I did it very close to my period (its never advised to wax closely 
before or after your period as this will increase you pain.)

Small list I know! But those are usually the two big things, right up there with having enough hair to even wax. So I gave it go, forgoing a professionals help at $30, and did it all by myself. I exfoliated with a dry brush and placed small strips of wax on my arm. Many YouTubers mentioned that larger strips hurt more which was quite accurate. The areas near your wrist and elbow will sting more but I found it much easier than my legs. I cannot do my legs! I found it equivalent to doing my sideburns, unpleasant but doable. 

The Results

I am more tickled than I expected! They are so soft and smooth! Its a lot more work than I expected and I can imagine that shaving would be so much easier but the results are amazing. I have no issue with women having body hair I just wanted to give it a try and it will be nice to do from time to time. I will keep track and document how fast it grows and how it appears once it comes back. Until then I'll be showing off my newly naked arms that are just as nice as my hair ones. I could have them either way!

2 Week Waxing Update

The regrowth hasn't been as awful as I imagined it would be. My hair is dark and is slightly darker than before only because the hair hasn't had time to be bleached in the sun. After two weeks it is still much better than what I originally had but I am surprised it came back as quickly as it did. I would say the hair I have now is almost an 1/8 inch or around 3 mm. 

If I were to wax it now I would be able to get the longer ones, and by leaving the super short ones behind, would have a much thinner regrowth. As you can see its not as noticeable from a distance and wouldn't show up in a photograph, unlike my arms before. 

After waxing I can honestly say I'm extremely apprehensive about shaving since all the hairs are at the same starting point and have a flat top, making them more blunt and prickly. Since I have an event coming up this weekend, I will wait to shave them that morning, and will be sure to post more pics. 

1 Week Shaving Update

It's hard to see how much hair I really have on my arms after 1 week, but it is more then I had after 1 week of waxing, which is to be expected. Texture wise it's not much different, if at all, but the initial results were not as smooth as the waxing. After shaving my arms twice, I have still not found a way to get them as smooth as when I wax. I exfoliate for both the waxing and shaving. After trying both methods I feel that the shaving works best for every day and the waxing for special occasions. This is mostly based upon convenience and cost. Although I am able to wax cheaper at home, it is still costly and I prefer to wax once every 10 days, or every week, depending on the hair growth.